Lovertits

I decided upon my last day of freedom before starting my new, ultra fabulous, factory job that I would spend a great deal of it wandering about the forest. I doubt I will have much energy from here on out for wandering about the hills and ravines around my house. I'm a tired person naturally, working seven days a week won't help that much. I'm not looking forward to being crabby for the next three months.

I've been here for something like two weeks and I have yet to call up any of my friends from around here. Its not that I don't want to see any one, its just that I have been unmotivated to leave. They will take energy... and I'd like to get a bit more settled into being in Cannon before I attempt sober fun with people I have lost common interest with.

Pearl has been a bit under the weather...meaning there is something wrong with the charging system, or the fuel lines which keeps me from riding her. Que triste.

Thanks for the penny. That slap on my ass
Scratched a losing lotto ticket. My exposed
Dollar bills and thighs beguile cement
Like some adult bookstore closed circuit

Moan. Black cherries and licked
Lips promised more than your
Smoke signals slid across my eyes.
But I can’t complain. It’s me who

Shook magic eight ball wet
Dreams, shiver shaken awake panting between
The sheets. Dog boned hope
Held on a little too long, elicits

Snake-eyes thrown in to save the boxer
Fighting shadows alone in the dark.

In about fourteen hours I should be rollin' the caddy to Chicago. This is exactly what I need. I need to glide on asphalt and concrete abominations, riding high on American luxury, aviators filtering my eyes from the glare of the stares of beasts and men. I need to get out of Minnesota, ideally out of the Midwest, but Chicago is cool enough. Its everyone who wants more than they are willing to give, its this fucking climate: the unfortunate damp-cold that gets under my skin and won't vacate. I've reached a point where I want to spend more time sleeping than awake as my dreams reveal more than my waking self could ever muster. Everyone and my subconscious is telling me to jump ship, the tumultuous waters are safer than the jelly fish infested inflatable raft I crawled onto. Sharks don't sleep. People use that fact to say that sharks are vicious creatures, mindless automatons bent on ultra violence, yet I think Jelly fish are worse. They just float along and strike whomever gets close enough to them and mistakes their pleasant demeanor for benevolence, their poison is a debilitating pain, slow to act and cruel. They sleep just fine; nothing affects their dance along the waves. A shark will tear you apart for food, due to an insatiable appetite they were born with, while a jellyfish will silently infiltrate your blood and make you feel like you want to die for no reason other than you got in its way. A net of the fuckers has snagged me in in a second gossamer skin, every movement brings a fresh volley of stings across my already tormented mind. I'm going to swan dive onto the highway... I'm done with this metaphor.

I need to do my laundry and clean my hovel. I need to finish reading the book I started. I need to pack. People take too much time to pack, like its some sort of monumental task that warrants spending half a day in planning and carefully folding a dozen shirts and slacks you will never end up wearing.

Fiona Apple's When the Pawn album. So perfect. So right, right now.

Went to Iowa. Weird.

I had a dream last night that was all crazy. Dream dictionary says:

"To dream of the male or female genitals, especially if they are diseased or deformed, means that you will soon be tempted into becoming part of a scandalous and illicit affair. If this relationship is undertaken, it will be tempestuous, disruptive, and chaotic..."

Makes a ton of sense in my life.

"To dream of seeing an old man or woman, denotes that unhappy cares will oppress you, if they appear less than serene."

They appeared less then serene. And this makes sense too.

I am not sure if I should continue along this path that I have undertaken.

Oh look. God took a dump on my life.

I have been in a sort of emotional limbo for the past month or so. At any one time I am incredibly happy and very much content with where life has placed me. Work, classes, friends, all seem to be going quite peachy; I'm very much happy with who I have been hanging out with and what I have been doing. On the other side, I have been craving sleep more than I ever have. I just want to lay in bed because my mind is so busy trying to figure out what the hell is going on in other areas of my life. I am constantly trapped between being perfectly content and miserable.

The Marine has entered into my life again. There was a spell of about two weeks where we didn't talk at all, and then its like he calls, and sends me pictures and texts. Its just kind of strange to have him back in like that.

I want to sleep my life away. Very Vanilla Sky, but without the whole giant nightmare thing.

I wish it were still January. I was happy in January. I like how my last entry was written out of pure happiness. But just to assure you all, I am back to my normal self. I need something to go good soon or my roommates will start hating me. I started off my morning telling Hana to fuck off. Not really all that nice of a thing to say to someone who was trying to be nice to you. But in my defense I had gotten maybe two hours of sleep and she touched me. I don't like to be touched when I'm in that state. She may as well have poked a hungry puma in the eye with a stick. But overall I have been too cranky for my own good and it needs to stop, so if you are one of the people I have been unnecessarily cruel to lately, I apologize.

Overall, I think I need to surround myself in positive people. Go to Pyramids more.

I haven't gone to bed before three in nearly a week. I slept till two today, very much out of character. What I am trying to say is, J-term has been rocking. Jon's party on Thursday was a blast and followed by girls night on Friday. I saw motherfucking monster trucks on Saturday and then I went bowling. Even Sunday kicked ass. Life is extraordinarily good. Maybe its the 'zac talking, but I think I am in a place right now that fits. The marines silence and my seemingly lack of male suiters even hasn't brought my mood down. I think I'm happy.

Life is pretty swanky.

I got what I wanted out of it. Well not everything, but everything that I realistically foresaw. I need to fix the futon before she gets back. Task el numero uno.

My class rocks so much shit. Monsters: in Theory and Lit. How awesome is that?

I deliberately slept longer than necessary this evening so that i didn't have to talk to Hana. I'm what you call passive aggressive, and its not even as though she did anything to piss me off. Its more of a vibe that I get from her that makes me not want to make many social gestures. But sleeping longer made me miss his IM. Thats what I get for being deliberately antisocial.

I hate this time of the month. You know what I am talking about. I was watching Narnia yesterday, and holy jesus Christ I think I felt like crying the entire time. Tears escaped and my eyes got a bit puffy. Why, I mean its not a particularly well done movie. Granted I loved the Chronicles when I was a kid, but never in a crying kinda way.

I curse you Uterus. Today I feel nothing but scorn for you and your emotionally draining actions.

J-term is going pretty decent, as much as can be expected after a week. I dunno how me and Hana is gonna make it through the month. I mean we get along, but she is kind of neurotic and I am pretty chill. Like the other day I opened up a can of salmon to eat with some rice and she walks into our suite and freaked out about how the room smelled like fish. She started opened windows and doors and in general tweaked. I didn't even heat it up, so I don't know how the room could smell that bad. Oh well, maybe she'll settle down. I still appreciate her presence, because otherwise I'd go insane.

I got me some ugly clothes. Never fails does it, that some one is going to buy you something you straight up hate fully believing that they have gotten you the greatest gift that is really "you". I don't think any of my relatives really have a clue as to who I am. I think my coolest gift is my motorcycle jacket, but I knew I was getting that because I went shopping with my parents for it. Not a huge suprise, but pretty badass nontheless. I baked for like eight hours straight to make everyone their presents, so I hope they all enjoyed them. I really dont want to bake anything for a super long time. Overall, Christmas was too short, too almost not even there. I remember it being a much bigger thing than it was. It felt like just another day, only on this day I ate alot and got some presents. No magic.

Remember that last post where I said I liked someone. Scratch that. I have this horrible affliction where I would fall in love with a wall if it gave me enough attention, regardless of any sort of actual common personality traits, interests, values, etc. The more i find out about this fellow, the less i give a shit. Dont get me wrong, if he calls, I will talk to him. If I were in the same room and the situation came up, I may fool around with him. What has changed is the level in which I value him. I dont like meaningless relationships, and it is for that reason that I dont like aqaintances. If you want to be my friend, you need to be my friend, I have little patience for people who dont want to actually know me.

Its been a while since I posted, and its only fitting that I do it now. Drunkies and all. Life is relatively good; I have some things that I need to accomplish for the end o' the semester, but those things are pretty easy so I am most unconcerned.

I may be giving up my irresponsible drinking ways, kids. I am a jaded 20 year old. I passed out at 11:30 tonight and for the first time I have lost time. Like I did things that I don't remember doing, and that sits ill in my tummy, and the things I did do were not the greatest things

I like someone. I'd like him to like me. That would be swell, though unlikely but not entirely so.

I just had one of those moments, when life actually dawned on me. Only instead of it being all pretty and "golden", it was more like a shower of shit. I got some physical issues, school things are piled higher than I am, and I hate most people, namely guys who think its okay to make me feel inferior because they misinterpret my actions or think I am just not good enough. Fuck you for making me feel like shit. Well now that that is mostly off my chest... I need some personal me time, where I can spend some time getting done what I need to without panicking about money, or school, or fucktards.

I need to reprioritize.

Diet Dr. Pepper doesnt taste like Dr. Pepper at all. In fact it sucks. I am just going back to not drinking pop.

I had a pretty fabulous weekend. It could have invovled some more down time, less stress, but overall it was a good time. Joshua failed to mention the costume aspect of his birthday party, so my friends and I came without costumes. Que Triste! Well I made due by dressing up as a gangsta male by rummaging through Josh's closet. I was for a while Jnco jeans, if you can imagine. I switched in favor of those ridiculously large black pants that you can buy at Hot Topic with all the mettalic things and usless straps. They were humongous. I also wore a giant t-shirt and a sideways hat that said "Amhengs daddy". I was da pimp shit.

Upon arriving home, I kept finding long black wig hair in the most innapropriate places. Awkward.

I really want to have sex with a cop. Everytime a profile comes up at work and the guy is a cop, and he graduated fairly recently, I get super excited for him to answer. So far, nothing. I dont know why, overall cops are kinda dicks. But the thought of a 6'4" irish cop with a muscular build just gets my goat. The heighth (for some reason that looks wrong) is important.

It makes me sad that my school, or any other affiliated college library, has a copy of The Wild One. So if anyone (ahem josh, or similar, I guess) wanted to download, make me a copy, and mail it to me, I would be pleased as punch.

Like, I dont know.

I have been looking foreward to an evening where I dont actually do anything. Lounging on my 70's couch with a warm laptop on my tummy, but like always I see an opportunity to go out into the world. Get my thing wet. Well not really, but its not often my friends go to a non-gay club (thats funny, i could have said straight, but thats the way my life goes. Gay clubs are the norm) so I think maybe I wouldnt mind getting drunk and having a creepy mexican dry hump my ass.

So I am torn:

Relax, watch some things I've been meaning to, do some homework, keep it clean kids.

Or.

I could drink some booze, smoke some pot, dance to the sharp beat of a strobe light.



Lets get crunk with Brittany.
Oh and Rachel is a fucking dirty urban hippy.
Dirty ass hippy.

I just had a moment where I really kicked myself for not having any money. I see the table of books I really want that I really cant afford, next to the woman I, in a sense, want to be in like thirty years waiting to sign said books, and I think, "sonofabitch" because I have literally NO money. I think back to my purchases this week.

One five dollar t-shirt insulting St. Johns football team
One four dollar ticket to Marie Antoinette (which btw was pretty fantastic)

And I think, where did I go wrong, and what could i have done differently.

Mary Karr is friggin brilliant.